I realized I was doing it AGAIN.
Living in fear. Afraid to do the thing.
This time it was an art piece. My church is doing a Christmas art show called Perspectives on the Incarnation that will be on display during the interactive nativity we host every year. When they announced it, I was excited about creating a piece. This was progress! I hadn’t been inspired for awhile and as I prayed and pondered about what to create, I got some visuals in my head for what could be.
Project inspiration
Originally, I was going to do 2 pieces: one, when the angels announced Jesus’s birth to the shepherds and the second when the angel announced life changing news to Mary. I did sketches for composition ideas and was drawn to use swirls that I had used on some previous pieces to portray the angelic and the divine.
After realizing that my time would be limited, I decided to focus only on the Mary piece. I started planning my layers and wanted to use gold leaf to portray the mysterious wonders from heaven. After doing some quick color studies I had the idea to do bright alcohol inks on the gold leaf. Intense color on the gold. Glorious! In my mind, anyway…
Gold leaf and alcohol inks don’t mix so well
I was excited to get started. I began prepping my panel for gold leaf and applied it as I had learned. (See Nancy Reyner’s super instructions here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Scd3KBPsOKs )
After sealing, I moved on to the alcohol inks. I had looked online for some visuals of how awesome the inks on the gold leaf would look, but I couldn’t find any. This should have been my first indication that maybe it isn’t a thing. But I did it anyway, and only then, did I realize it isn’t a thing. I’m not a chemist, but I think there might be some chemical reactions that did not live up to the vision in my mind. It was a fail. Not epic, because it isn’t a huge piece, but it was kind of devastating to me. Not only had I lost a week’s worth of time, but now I had no idea what I was going to do for my piece!
Starting all over
After playing with my alcohol inks again, I decided to use those to represent the heavenlies. But then I doubted my technique. Actually, I became fearful of how it would turn out. Fear and creating don’t go well together and I stopped making progress on my piece. I kept thinking I was going to mess it up, to fail AGAIN.
I journaled about it for almost a week trying to build up some gumption to just go down to my art studio and do it! Every day, the fear seemed to grow and it was paralyzing. But deadlines are powerful for me, and the drop off date was looming. I needed to do something. I psyched myself up for doing it on Saturday. After much prayer for divine help (is it really this hard? It really was at the time!) I cranked up the music and started dropping inks.
Let’s Do This!
My first attempt was okay. Pretty stiff, but at least I had started! I decided I would try another one and pick the best of the two. The second one turned out better as I loosened up, so I decided to go the best out of 3. Then, after watching a YouTube video for inspiration and technique, I ROCKED the 3rd one! I loved it so much and was doing the happy dance as I watched it come together. It was thrilling not only to have that part of my piece finally done, but I had conquered that paralyzing fear (again).
I realized how silly it was to have been afraid, when I could have just viewed it as playing with the inks. But in the buildup and the pressure of it “needing to turn out good because it would be in a show,” I let fear consume and cripple me.
A visual aid and a reminder
Ugh. I realized I had another visual aid–this is how I’ve lived my life as well. Me, the rule follower, striving to be “good enough”, letting fear consume and cripple me…
When I create, it’s an act of worship. I’m praying through the whole thing, so why would I worry about the product and not just enjoy the process? I’m reminded that as God is working in my life, he is much more concerned about the process—not the product. He’s already confidant of my outcome!
God is much more concerned about the process–not the product. He’s already confidant of my outcome!
I’ve got it all backwards as I see I am focused on the product not the process; the destination and not the journey. Striving to be “perfect Kerri”, so I’ll be loved and accepted—not understanding I am already completely loved and accepted by my Saviour just as I am, right now. To instead, just enjoy a relationship with him and learn to trust him explicitly. He knows all of my days and how it’s going to turn out.
I have failed miserably at being perfect. I’m tempted to despair and let fear paralyze me from truly living.
God’s got you
This art piece is another reminder that God’s got me—just like he’s got you. His purposes for this art piece are far beyond what I can comprehend. I just have to be willing to be used and create in the way I create for His glory, and not my own.
His purposes for my life are far beyond what I can comprehend. I just have to be willing to be used, and be me—the way he created me—for His glory, and not my own.
How about you? Do you really, truly know that He’s got you? I’m praying that today for you lovely one!
