I have always been a fearful person. I come from a long line of worriers and Fear was a comfortable frenemy. I almost always go to worst-case scenario and look at every new thing from a fearful vantage point. I even referred to myself as a weenie for a time, because I was afraid of almost everything. All of this was exacerbated while in, and recovering from, a destructive relationship that lasted almost 30 years.
I had lost myself, my confidence, and my purpose during those dark years. Fear was always there, telling me, There’s no way you can change your life and How in the world could a pathetic weenie have anything to offer the world?! So I gave up even thinking or dreaming about the future and resigned myself to a very sad, very gray life. I believed a lie. Actually, I believed all the lies!
The Truth set me free
But I’m so thankful that God kept chipping away at my fear and misery, and He led me to various resources that woke me up to very real options to change my life. When I started seeing truth, I was able to start seeing the lies I had believed. This was a process and took awhile to be able to stand up to those deeply imbedded ones, the biggest one being that God would be disappointed in me if I got divorced.
It was during this time that I became aware of another part of myself that I had remembered seeing occasionally over the years: the determination to do something, even in spite of fear. After taking the Strength Finder test, one of my top strengths is Achiever which means I will work tirelessly to get stuff done. This sounded very familiar as I had combined that with over-responsibility during my marriage and totally wore myself out. But looking back, I realized that sometimes, it involved doing things that were scary. I had actually done the scary things…and survived!
Fear still consuming
So after I stood up to some major fears, took action and was in a safe place, I found recovery was more difficult than expected. I thought life would be easier after getting out of that toxic environment. Some parts were so much better, but Fear was always there, asking me nagging questions: How can you live on your own? How will you be able to make the right choices on your own? How will you have enough money to survive?
I was afraid to make some decisions which was destroying my peace. I didn’t know who I was or what I even liked or disliked. Time helped some things as well as exercises to help me rediscover myself. But I didn’t have a plan and being a planner by nature, this was a constant, fearful, Thing. I hated that fear seemed to consume me again after I thought I had made some progress. Discussing this with my counselor, she knew that I was a creative person and asked,
“Why not paint fear?”
What a brilliant idea!
When I painted Fear
And then it came time to do it and I ended up putting if off for a few weeks, because that was even too scary of a task. But as I sometimes do, I snuck up on it. While I was working on another project in my art studio, I remembered the idea and added some modeling paste onto a small, 8×10 used canvas that needed a fresh idea.
The next day, I added paint and it was all dark and scary looking, like it felt in real life. Then I drew a representation of me in there with a flashlight, trying to find my way in the scary darkness.
And then it hit me.
Another Visual Aid
It “looked” like the dark and scary was ALL AROUND, but there were very clear paths through the really bad parts. My light was focused on the worst parts, but in reality, the other paths were quite manageable. I could navigate through the Fear and get to where I wanted to go. I just needed to stay focused on the right things, namely where I wanted to go without looking around at the scary distractions. WHOA.
I love visual aids, and here was another one! It was powerful! I love the ones that happen when I create them with my own hands and then God gives me an interpretation of it.
I imagined placing this small “fearful” canvas in the middle a huge canvas painted with all the things I want to do and where I want to go. My Big Dreams were now surrounding the “little fear.” This put fear into perspective for me. If I focus on fear, I will never get out of the small canvas. I will not achieve my purpose in life and it will be dark and scary every day. BUT, if I focus on my purpose and plans and follow the path God has for me, I will make it to the big, beautiful beyond of really living!
Pursing my dreams will still be scary
I also realized that any good place worth going to is probably going to be somewhat scary just because you are pushing up against your comfort zone (the small canvas). So being scared of doing something isn’t a bad thing, as long as it doesn’t keep you from doing the thing! The bigger your plans, the scarier it will be, and it probably means you are on the right track.
After I painted this, I was able to make some decisions for my future that I’m really excited about. While they line up with my vision (big canvas), they are still pretty scary. But this visual aid helped me to remember that I can still navigate through that fear to get to my future.
Working on this painting also reminded me of journaling. I love journaling because it takes all the thoughts, fears, and overwhelm that have no boundaries between your ears, and confines them to a small, 2 dimensional sheet of paper. Journaling defines and confines. I’ll be talking more about journaling soon, but using anything that helps to define and confine negative thoughts and feelings is a way to keep your peace (and sanity!)
Our enemy is the father of fear
We have an enemy who is the father of lies and the father of fear. He knows what might happen if you achieve the purpose God created you for, and he uses everything he can to keep you living a very small life. I bought the lies hook, line and sinker—once upon a time. But now I know the truth, and it has set me free! I can still be afraid, but I won’t let it stop me from living my purpose anyway.
So, how about you, Lovely one? What might happen if you painted fear?
